“Sunsets are so beautiful that they almost seem as if we are looking through the gates of heaven,” John Lubbock. I’ve always had that thought when I’m sitting in the swing and watching a magnificent sunset. Couldn’t see the sunset today because of the cloud cover but the clouds were so pretty, colored in all their grays and blues and purples, rolled up like waves across Father Sky’s blue sky canvas. Late afternoon the clouds in the sky of my side yard formed a sidewalk that led straight up to heaven. I really wanted to walk up those stairs. The white steps started low on the horizon behind the bamboo and led straight up to the heavens. I wonder who’s standing on the top step today. I know who I hope will greet me there.

Did my monthly pickup grocery shopping today. Decided to get some ice cream since I had made my last Blue Bell butter pecan carton last a whole month. I’d just eat a little bit occasionally from a beautiful tea cup. Three of the last four times I’ve gotten my groceries I’ve found black walnut in the shopping bag instead of butter pecan. Gave the first carton to my neighbors. Tried to eat the second carton but I just hate the taste and smell of black walnut. Love English walnuts, though. My neighbors have moved so I can’t give it to them.

Anyway, last month I asked the sweet girl as she put my groceries in the car to please check and see if the ice cream was butter pecan. She cheerfully replied, “Yep, it’s butter pecan.” Today as they were putting my groceries in the car I almost asked them to check but I thought, surely not, but it surely was. I know I could take it back but that would entail washing my hair, makeup, and a bra…no thanks, I’ll grin and bear it. Might even learn to like it. No I won’t but it cost too much to waste. Always feel guilty when I buy it anyway so maybe that’s karma biting me. Maybe I should try eating it from a crystal compote with a sterling silver ice cream fork. Maybe I can pawn it off on oldest brother. But I think he hates it too. Oldest sister-in-law tried to give me their carton of Blue Bell butter pecan but vet brother heard her say I could have theirs and he yelled back, “No, she can’t. That’s mine!”

I sat and pondered in the porch swing today, wishing for butter pecan ice cream, watching the birds, listening to the wind chimes tintinnabulations. The March winds are still blowing. The sky was full of the prettiest clouds, fluffy ones kissed white on their crowns with bellies tinted light grey and pale purple. About time for the sun to set I dropped a pint canning jar full of ice water on the porch floor right in front of the swing. I love drinking from those jars. The jar broke and shattered in a million pieces. I was barefooted so I was trapped in the swing till Stew brought me some shoes. He heard the jar hit the porch and came to check on me. He cleaned it up while I just sat in the swing trying to wrestle my shoes on. I thought, I’m discombobulated today. That was one of Chief’s favorite words. Maybe I’m cattywampus, too. That’s one of my favorite words.

Just watched the skies today, didn’t do any quote searching, no deep pondering. Lay my head back in the swing, shut my eyes and counted my blessings as the sun warmed my cheeks. The little blue nuthatch was running up and down the trunk of the old oak tree. I bought a new suet feeder that holds two cakes and Mr. Downy Woodpecker quickly hopped down to have a feast on the apple suet. The handsome cardinals and their fawn brown partners were flitting around the bird feeders and the brown headed cowbirds were rummaging for seeds under the feeders. The doves were taking turns on the bird baths.

And while I was looking at the beautiful world surrounding me, I was thinking, my friends are burying their daughter on this glorious Spring day. And I wept for them.

“There is no name for a mother who loses a child, and there are no words to describe the pain she endures every day.” — Tangela L. Sears