Was walking Penelope this morning looking up at the glorious winter blue sky and I remembered a quote by Henry David Thoreau I read yesterday. “An early morning walk is a blessing for the whole day.” I am blessed by this beautiful morning and the little flock of crimson cardinals and their mates happily visiting the bird feeders under my old oak.

Didn’t watch the sunset today. I was watching a repair man working on my dryer and hoping my Mason jar had enough cash. I can paint a magnificent sunset with my imagination borrowing Mother Nature’s palette and watercolor brushes. As I shut my eyes I see a light of golden honey spreading across the horizon. The sun is standing on the top of the skyline dressed in sequins of sterling silver, her hot rays burning a path for her to follow. As the sun rolls her way down the horizon, Father Sky, dressed in formal black tuxedo complete with silver topped walking cane, stands patiently waiting to take her hand to escort her through the mysterious twilight dimming the landscape. Mother Nature strikes a watermelon match and blazes a wildfire of orange and red watercolors welcoming the days’ demise in a flame of color. The night comes alive with the man in the moon and the women in the stars.

Been pondering on a quote by Winston Churchill. He wrote, “Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak; courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen.” Don’t think of myself as brave, I’m a chicken liver. I don’t think you learn how to be brave, you just take action despite being afraid. Maybe I was brave when I sat by Chief’s bedside as he lay dying. Maybe I was brave when I packed up and moved back to my family home in Roanoke. Maybe I was brave when I buried a child. Courageous people stand up against things that threaten them or the people they love. Never really thought that courage was being brave enough to sit down and listen. Makes sense, though. We should learn to listen before we take action.

If I have any courage it certainly comes from my faith in God’s strength, the assurance that I never walk alone as his presence is always with me. Joshua 1:9 reads, “Be strong and courageous…for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.” I think true courage comes from the strength of God and our faith. Psalm 27:14 counsels us to “be strong and let your heart take courage; yes, wait for the Lord.” My prayers give me hope and courage, too.

I think it takes courage to walk the path of widowhood, to stand alone in life, making decisions and choices by ourselves. January 2 was the fifth anniversary of Chief’s death. Seems just like yesterday that I sat by his bed holding his hand as he took his last breath and left this world. That sounds sad but as heartbreaking as it was, it was also beautiful that we shared his last moments together holding hands. I miss the warmth of his hands, large and callused, kind and gentle. I’m always looking at a photo of us walking at Hilton Head, hand in hand. I’ll never forget the warmth of his hands.

I miss him sitting by the fireplace making his spring vegetable seed order lists from the seed catalogs. Every Christmas I’d put gift certificates to his favorite seed companies in his stocking. I miss him grumbling about the prospect of snow when I’d be as excited as a child waiting for the first flake. I miss his interactions with our grandchildren. I miss making jelly and relish, pans of biscuits and skillets of corn bread, cooking collards and turnip greens. I miss resting in his arms and the comfort and security I had with him. I’m a different person without him and I don’t belong to anyone any more. I’m not anyone’s special person now but I’ll always be his. We’ll be reunited in heaven one day.

A spouse has so many roles in our lives. When we lose our spouse, we lose a friend, a lover, a travel partner, a confidant…. Not only do we miss our partner but we miss who we were with them. We feel alone and incomplete. Every part of the day is different now and there is no routine. Even when you go to sleep and turn out the light you always feel the emptiness of the bed. I thank God every day for my happy memories with him. And I’m so grateful for my children and grandchildren and my three brothers and their families, and all my friends who have helped me weather these years without Chief.

To my friend who recently lost her husband, to my friend who recently lost her brother, and to my friend who recently lost his mother, please know I’m praying for the sunshine of your memories to brighten the dark days.

“Courage isn’t having the strength to go on — it is going on when you don’t have strength.” — Napoleon Bonaparte