Pondered on the porch with gale force wind today! Blew my fruit jar of tea off the little table by the swing. Didn’t break, thank goodness! Watched the wind bending the tops of the magnolias across the street then it would blow on our side. The wind blew the quilt on the bottom of Penelope’s playpen on top of her. She stuck her face out and gave me a look. Finally I gave up and came in the house. Went back out in late afternoon when the wind died down. The sky was so beautiful, winter blue. All the wispy clouds were tinted pink and purple, stretched across the sky like little pulled cotton bolls.

Was going to begin the taking down of the Christmas trees and decorations today but that didn’t last too long. Went around and cleared two tables of decorations and took all the birds off the tree on my dresser. Put all the Christmas framed photos up and put the other family photos in their place. Baby steps but I’m getting there.

Years ago we stayed here the whole week of Christmas. The gas bill was atrocious, so we decided to stay home till the weather was warmer. It was a really cold January and February. I honestly forgot we hadn’t taken down the Christmas tree. We had cut a large cedar tree up at the farm. When we opened the front door on our visit in late February, we hear this faint whoosh and tinkling sound. Every needle on that cedar tree fell off at the same time when we opened the front door. Just left a mess on the floor and naked branches on the tree. I just about had a heart attack. Chief swept up two brown grocery sacks of needles and broken balls. I had cedar branches on the three mantles. I thought we would never get those little cedar needles out of the house. They were everywhere.

Performed surgery on my wedding rings today. I have not been happy with them since I had to have them cut off my finger after a camper door was accidentally slammed shut on my fingers. The door tore the diamond out of my engagement ring and ruined the prongs. I had never taken my wedding band off since the day Chief placed it on my finger. It was a “thing” with us that we’d never taken them off. He was always encouraged to take his off during surgery but he wouldn’t so the nurse would put tape on it.

Anyway, I had the rings repaired and sized. I thought they were too big but if they were smaller I couldn’t get them over my knuckle. The jeweler put a ring guard on the diamond and that kept the wedding ring on but they would roll around on my finger. Even waked me up at night when the diamond was upside down. Anyway, I found myself taking them off for days at a time. I’d forget to put them on and that depressed me when I looked down at my hand.

Solved the problem last night. Took the ring guard off with a pair of pliers, lotioned up my hand and put the rings on my middle finger. Now all is right in my world! They won’t come off or roll around now and I don’t have to be nervous about losing one of them. I wear Chief’s ring on my thumb. My mother wore daddy’s wedding ring on a chain around her neck till she died.

Chief’s been gone for two years now. I didn’t know this but read it today— a widow is no longer married after her partner has passed, nullifying the marriage by law. That’s depressing! I’m forgetting I read that!

I love this quote! “Your memory feels like home to me. So whenever my mind wonders, it always finds its way back to you.” —Sonata Suzuki

I know everyone grieves for their spouse in their own way. Some grieve a short time, others long for them the rest of their life. But their death changes every minute of your life and it’s hard to forge a new life without your partner. The loneliness and the changes to daily routines. No hands to hold when you need one. Nighttime is so hard, too, when you’ve slept in a double bed with someone for 40 years.

I should have realized with Chief being 21 years older that I would be left alone first. I honestly think if he hadn’t suffered with Covid he’d still be with us. He had no health problems and only took a blood pressure pill. I have this guilt that I brought Covid home to Chief and Stew. We all really suffered and were so sick. I was the only one out in the world. How else could we have contracted it?

I have this reoccurring nightmare frequently since he died. I am being dragged out of the house and arrested for elder abuse, for not taking care of him while he had Covid. The nightmare always wakes me and I can never go back to sleep, going over every detail of us being sick with Covid. I know I took care of him and I’m thankful I was with him at the end of his life as he took his last breath.

Chief was always so proud of his family and grateful for his many friends.

And I’m so thankful for all the memories of happiness we shared with our children and grandchildren. These memories sooth me on dreary depressing days.